I have a schizophrenia. And I live contrary to everything

I have a schizophrenia. And I live contrary to everything

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I am the disabled person of the II group. I have a fine physical health, but there are serious problems with mental health – I have schizophrenia, my diagnosis is more exact (F 20.0 code) is called as "paranoia".

The first attack at me has happened after training at the first year economics department where I have arrived thanks to a gold medal … It was very morally heavy, when suddenly from the promising student I have turned into the sick person moreover with such diagnosis. I remember still as I was frightened, having learnt that practically all patients in hospital have disability. I could not believe that I now the DISABLED PERSON. I have carried out all academic holiday waiting for the second year of university. And, thanks to a family, generally to mother I after all have finished training and have graduated. The attending physician did not insist on that I urgently took disability. Besides I had a raised grant since I continued to study on one five.

The second blow to me was brought by an illness when I have understood that at this disease the probability to give rise to the healthy child is small. And in marriage nobody called. Only having heard my diagnosis, my young man has told – registration will not be. There were many other troubles, but I and so has already written too much negative.

That I wanted to tell – consists not in it. I wanted to tell that at any diagnosis, even the most terrible, there is a hope. Now I have understood that disability so frightening me – actually not a sentence, and the state help for a survival. Besides it is possible to work and with disability, even it is necessary. A family it is not obligatory the husband and children. I have a huge family – mother, the sister, the son-in-law and the small niece who loves me. There are friends who with me about ten years, know about me everything and are always ready to listen, sometimes to correct a course of my thoughts.

But the most important – I do not trust now, and I know – God is. Recently has heard the amusing phrase – «When the person speaks to God is a prayer. When God speaks to the person is schizophrenia». Certainly, I never heard God, his voices. But the feeling that It here, nearby, is almost physical feeling. When its row is not present – too it is felt practically at physical level. You start to remember right there the sins, to call him. It is difficult to explain it words. Simply GOD is. And IT helps all who asks also that who does not reflect on its existence at all. Helps through a family, friends, doctors … And if the diagnosis at the person deadly – that and here It beatifies hope – hope on in the Kingdom of Heaven. After all if GOD is, that is both PARADISE and the HELL, is ETERNITY. These are common truths.

I already have written too much. But I want to tell still something. Do not despise the insane! Yes, we strange, with us it is heavy, we are difficult for understanding. But we too people. Unfortunately, of us our relatives very often are ashamed are the fact. And often on it there are reasons. But we are people, we understand a lot of things and we see the relation to us. We cannot change ourselves will power, auto-suggestion or somehow still. As cannot grow up a foot at at whom them have amputated. And we cannot change the brain, even the behaviour. Do not judge us too strictly!

Ekaterina.

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