If you die – rise and go!

If you die – rise and go!

When to me was 15, my father has suddenly sued for divorce. From shock at my mother the real mental pathology has developed.

In some days after that news, my mother has ceased to recognise me, has told that at it never was children that she never loved me. When we went shopping, all turned around, so my mother had a terrible state – it became as if to the zombie.

Generally, my mother has gone mad.

If the sky has fallen to me on the head, bigger effect, than a mother’s illness, it has not made.

I write about it now because at that time has not received from anybody any support. And in general about mental pathologies speak, usually, very little. It seems shameful, at least, I exactly so had occurring to us at that time. As it was very difficult to keep it in a secret.

«And where your mother?» – «In hospital» – «And what with it?» – «Not so well feels» – «It is a pity, so with it?» …

Add to it that it was simply impossible to look at mother – so she suffered. Its internal torments were simply intolerable. In a month because of drugs it has gained 30 kgs. It was impossible to talk to it. Awfully to see the loved one in such condition, but is even more awful, what even you can not talk that though a little to reduce its pain.

I felt absolutely useless, sad, suppressed. Any more without speaking about full uncertainty in the future. What is the time mother will be in such condition? Whether she will recover? Whether we can walk, as before, again together with it, stirring and cheerfully laughing? And this uncertainty, uncertainty lasted the whole months which seemed for years.

Fortunately, my mother left this condition. Then again there was a deterioration. Then again it has got out. Has again fallen. Also has again got out. I hope, already forever.

But the fear all the same remained.

Not to despond and to despair, I have thought up two things.

1. Has bought the daily log, and within these years wrote down there every evening three joyful impressions in a day. Not important, what. Pancakes which were prepared for me by the grandmother, the nice fellow met on the street, the favourite song which has sounded by radio. I tried to see though light droplet in that dark tunnel into which my life has turned. And year after year I saw changes: On June 5 2003 there was that, and on June 5 2005 I have made it … Such records have allowed to see that good always is in our life. And then itself gradually you get used to notice the fine moments. Such outlook on life gives pleasure, hope and desire to live.

2. At Amelie Notomb I have found the phrase which always helps me: «If you die – rise and go. To you it is sick – move. In life there is only one law – movement». Me does not excite, how others concern this author and her idea, personally I when I feel that start to sink in doubts and problems, I read this phrase which always hangs over my desktop, and I force itself to move. I pour to myself tea, I go out of doors, I call somebody, I look series, I read the favourite blog – I do everything to get rid of dark thoughts, to be adjusted on good and again to return to the left affairs.

Now I know that there are many communities for what relatives have mental problems. Earlier anybody did not speak to me about it, but I consider that surely it is necessary to look for information, to communicate with doctors, nurses and everything, who can help not to remain alone with the grief.

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